


Bilgesnipes in Balance AKA Infinity War: Bull

by AnonEhouse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 05:15:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17339252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Bilgesnipes are huge, scaly, have big antlers. They're repulsive and they trample everything in their path.This is according to Thor.Well, he's not wrong.





	Bilgesnipes in Balance AKA Infinity War: Bull

**Author's Note:**

> I just saw Infinity War last night. Every time I saw something that annoyed me I wrote 'Bullshit' on a note pad. That happened even more than usual (yes, I pick movies apart for logic.)
> 
> Eventually it transformed into Bilgesnipe Bullshit.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

 

 

Asgard had been good for a long time. Plenty to eat, lots of gold buildings to rub their antlers on to keep them sharp, and if they grew bored they could take a day trip on the Bifrost to wreak havoc on other realms.

They didn't mind the occasional Asgardian hunting party. It was always an evenly matched fight and they gave as good as they got. Need to cull out the weaker bulls anyway.

But then everything went to Hela. 

Bilgesnipes aren't entirely stupid. The herd took one look at the mayhem and skedaddled on the Bifrost. Sleipnir's mother didn't raise any stupid foals, so he broke out of the stables and brought all the horses and remaining Valkyrie winged horses along with them. There were plenty of worlds with grass and mountains. Too bad about Asgard, oh well.

They found a nice place populated by people who weren't as good fighters as Asgardians, but they had potential. The mountain range they settled in was pretty, with pointy rocks to sharpen their antlers and tasty grass to fill their bellies.

They chased people out of one cabin that they particularly liked for the shape of its wooden beams, found salt licks, fought the native wildlife, and were content.

 

One day they smelled an alien taking up residence. He smelled weird. They looked at him from a distance. Big, and fat, and the color of fruit.

Weird. But eh, it was calving season, they weren't particularly looking for a fight.

 

Then half the herd turned to flakes of ash. HALF. Including half of the cows and half of the calves, so the herd was now not only reduced, but most of the remaining calves were motherless and would die. Bilgesnipe cows don't take in orphans. Suddenly bereft bilgesnipe cows bellowed and stomped around, attacking the bulls because they were supposed to protect the herd. The bulls got angry because the cows were mad at them, and the calves were making annoying bleats.

They stampeded. Big, fat, purple guy was a convenient target. They didn't have brains enough to blame him, but he was there, and they needed to stomp something.

He screamed nicely and squelched under their hooves. The biggest bull found his left front hoof caught in something shiny and gold. He couldn't shake it off. He beat it against rocks. He bashed it and bashed it, and only succeeded in making it reform to his leg.

He blew snot on it and, well, he wasn't really thinking. He was a bilgesnipe after all. But he did sorta remember how nice it had been back on Asgard before things went to Hela.

 

The herd, all of it, including all the ones who'd been turned to ash, found themselves back on Asgard. Hela was standing in front of them with Fenris at her side.

Bilgesnipes hate wolves.

They hate big wolves worse than anything else.

The bilgesnipes stampeded. The lead bull's gold covered hoof glowed.

 

Life is now good on Asgard. The people feed the bilgesnipes treats and brush their coats, and sharpen their antlers.

They polish the lead bull's gold covered leg to make the gems shine. He is content. Every once in a while, Thor comes to wrestle with him.

The bull always wins, of course.


End file.
